I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
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[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
God making man in his image was the original selfie
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”