Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
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My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives