Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
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Name this drama.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
happy mother’s day❤️
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another