If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
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Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Snapes on a plane.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Woke up against my better judgment again
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re