i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
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Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.