5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
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HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
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