In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
You Might Also Like
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Please don鈥檛 tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 馃幎I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty馃幎
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Secret hideout busted…馃悎馃惥馃槀馃槀
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I鈥檓 eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I鈥檓 not mad at Bezos for going into space. I鈥檓 mad at him for coming back.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.