I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
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[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.