Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
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Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.