Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
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[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
thank god
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
starting a garage orchestra
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*