My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
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Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
They’re not wrong
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I wish all tests were things you peed on