Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
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I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Oh yeah that’s it
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Generation gap…
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.