Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
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11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it