Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
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inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time