You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
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“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED