[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
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To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
marvel comics have peaked
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.