Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
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My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
You know…for fall…
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Worst bar ever.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook