I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
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Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”