You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
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Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
This could be us but you eatin’
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.