Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
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I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.