Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
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My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
My patience has stretch marks.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon