Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
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Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Yes, this is exactly right
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.