If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
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me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
house sitting!
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Sharon I have some bad news
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?