I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
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My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I love it all
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start