My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
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Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
this is the best interaction on twitter
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
*pronounces fake like saké*
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em