Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
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Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee