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I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
🤣🤣
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.