Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
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oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Tony Hawk, age 6
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.