AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
You Might Also Like
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.