I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
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PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.