My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
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*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”