Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
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ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking