I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
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When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
How dude HOW?!
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️