You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
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shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
You had me at “define legal”.