Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
You Might Also Like
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
*pokes sex life with a stick
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*