My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
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Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I wish I were this cool 😂
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”