*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
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Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Kids: Stay in school.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!