gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
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My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
The first matador
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler