“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
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Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Not today
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I wish I were this cool 😂
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.