Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
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Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.