Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
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I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
step 6: release the wall snake
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Well, that didn’t work.
God, I love Scotland
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
No chill.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos