Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
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when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing