He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
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While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Just a reminder, folks:
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…