Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
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I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.