One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
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The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”