I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
You Might Also Like
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
The first one, obviously
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI