ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
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One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.