girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
You Might Also Like
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
greetings!
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Beards are a privilege, not a right
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I’m too immature for adultery.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.