Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
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*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again