Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
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Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
#SaturdayBears
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭